By DomeBase
Advice Columnist

Like a consultant but without the competence, his answers will enhance your self-esteem because he knows less than you do. E-mail your burning questions to: [email protected].

Editor's Note: The mainstream press has finally discovered the domain industry. In the past month feature articles have appeared in Business 2.0 Magazine, the Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and just about everywhere else you look. However reporters from the general media outlets still miss a lot of breaking news that never gets by industry insiders like our own DomeBase. Sure, this may not be the industry he is an insider in, but he still has an uncanny ability to unearth stories the others miss! If you don't believe it, check out this smorgasbord of domain news delights from our enterprising undercover reporter (who says you can't make stuff like this up!):

ICANN Says That XXX is Not on the Table at Vancouver Meeting

In a move that disappointed some attendees and delighted others, ICANN issued a terse statement at their Vancouver meeting that “XXX is not on the table” during the meeting.  "They should have warned us," said one dejected couple, “We came all the way from Ohio.  There is no XXX on the table there.  We thought it would be fun to come up to Vancouver to see what it is all about.”  Another attendee took it in stride -- “I don’t care about XXX, but they should start .ZZZ to quarantine all that second-rate blog drivel,” he said.

ICANN to Release Singles' Letters

ICANN revealed that it has been collecting misdirected e-mail from lonely web surfers. Apparently these letters from lonely singles were intended for internet dating services, but due to typos they wound up in a massive ICANN database of misaddressed missives.  For a while, ICANN planned to use the letters to start up an internet match-making service of their own.  They had narrowed their taglines to two choices  -- “Lonely? ICANN Help” – or – “WHOIS Mr. Right?”   However, due to budget constraints they have decided to auction the singles’ letters to the highest bidders. "There are some really spicy letters from really lonely people." said a confidential source who asked that his name, address, telephone number, server, and e-mail not be made public. “Some people will pay big bucks for these singles’ letters.”

ICANN Approves CAT Extension

As if the dilemmas of overseeing the internet were not enough, ICANN's authority has been expanded to include genetic engineering.  "We have had a dilly of a time figuring out where to draw the line on controversial issues such as cloning." said a famous guy with a white lab coat and gravely voice, "Who better to tackle these issues than ICANN?"   The most pressing issue has been cloning cats who have exhausted all nine lives and need an extension to get life number ten.  "Fluffy just expired and dropped," sniffed one cat owner, "There wasn't even a waiting period.  Please extend Fluffy."   In a magnanimous act of compassion, ICANN approved cat extensions. "We are not just technocrats..." said one official, "We have felines, too."

Verisign Wants Weight Listing Service

Not satisfied with making money from electronic character sequences, Verisign wants to diversify into health and fitness with a Weight Listing Service. "Tons of people want to lose weight," said an insensitive source, "They have tried to diet and exercise, but all they can do consistently is surf the net.  With our Weight Listing Service, each time they access a website, a window pops up that displays their current weight and suggested exercises like .AERObic Extensions,  Sunrise Roll Outs, Drop Catching, and Long-Term Contract Sports.  This continues until they reach their desired weight.  We have tested it in the UK and have caused people to lose millions of pounds."

Post Office Seeks "Letter Finder" Service

Borrowing a page from internet organizations, the Post Office is requesting the authority to operate a "Letter Finder" service as part of their contract to process the nation's first-class mail through the year 2125.   Currently, letters with inaccurate, out-dated, or unreadable addresses are returned or forwarded.  This will stop under Letter Finder.   Letter Finder will generate letters sent back to the senders with valuable offers for aluminum siding, mortgage refinancing, and life-enhancing prescriptions.  "We don't have a monopoly like we did in the old days," said the Director of New Postal Ventures, "commissions from Letter Finder are critical to our budget."  Critics complain that the Post Office is out of line.  "What's going to happen to mail addressed to the North Pole?" -- asked a representative of the newly-formed organization CPOT (Coalition for Post Office Transparency).

Domain Moguls Make Money with Type Inn Traffic

A major business publication has revealed how domain moguls make money from traffic from surfers who are not sure what type of accommodation they want.  “Travelers search… but they do not know what they want,” said internet mogul Domainer John, “There are classy inns, sleazy inns, cheap inns, luxury inns, inns with suites, garbage out/garbage inns… many different types of inns," He said.  "We create websites for people who do not know what type inn they want and help them to find the type inn that works for them."  For people who travel in groups, they have also created Pay-Per-Clique services.  The internet is growing; each year there are more on.  "More on works..." John said, "...but the real money comes from type inns."

United Nations Wants Control Over Net

Frustrated with American dominance in basketball, an international coalition sponsored a United Nations resolution that would give regulatory control of net height, circumference, and depth to a UN body.   An American official strongly opposed the idea -- "We want nothing but net...” she said, “Basketball is working fine without making people go through hoops."

Owners of Dog.com Get "C/D" Letter From God

This past week the owners of Dog.com received a "Cease or De-exist" letter from God. The letter claimed that the site was probably getting typo traffic from people who are looking for Him. The letter said that "people frequently reverse letters" when typing in domains and asked that the domain be directed to a "site of spiritual enlightenment" or risk being "erased from existence." As of our publication deadline, the parties seem to have worked out an amiable agreement involving a new cross-breed of dog -- the "Golden Rule Retriever." Apparently the new breed is not only a good-tempered pet, but also capable of speech and will remind people everywhere to love their neighbors.

[disclosure: hey, this is fake stuff, we think!]

Google Diversifies into Match-Making Business with “MateRank” Algorithm*

Minneapolis, MN (DP): Internet search engine leader Google, having just recently completed a diversification foray into the print side of the communications industry, today announced further diversification into the multi-billion dollar match-making business with the launch of “MateRank” – applying advanced algorithms to personal relationships. 

“Let’s face it, searching for a mate can be a pain in the neck,” said Google’s new Director of Matchmaking Services, Hart Wryte, “…bars, clubs, personal ads, churches, domain chat forums, Star Trek conventions… none of them are very scientific or mathematically validated places to find a decent partner.  It all came together when we were sitting around on bean bags talking about how ‘so-and-so is a 6’ and ‘so-and-so is a 4.’  All of a sudden we realized that the algorithms that work for ranking pages in Google search could also be used to rank, match, and attract prospective mates.”  

The details of Google’s “MateRank” system are propriety, but Mr. Wryte was able to say that it is based primarily on one-way link popularity.  “If someone says – ‘wow, she’s hot!’ – when you walk by, then that creates a one-way link that adds to your rank.  On the other hand, if you call someone with caller ID and they do not pick up, that detracts,” Mr. Wryte explained.   Duplicate content is also penalized.  “Don’t try to look like Paris Hilton or Tom Cruise,” Mr. Wryte cautioned, adding, “That won’t work for you.  Heck… it doesn’t even always work for them.”  Repeated use of keywords will also be severely penalized.  “Using words like ‘romantic’ and ‘sensitive’ and ‘fun’ over and over will really trash your ranking,” warned Wryte, “and, guys, don’t even think about including phrases such as ‘like cats.’ No guys reeeeeeeeally like cats.  That is a clear red flag for mate spamming.”

Optimization consultants have been quick to jump on the bandwagon – offering tips on MateRank Optimization (MRO).  “For our basic package of $399, we can likely increase your MateRank by a couple points,” says the home page of Optappeal, Inc.  Their premium package promises “first page placement of your name and phone number in the black books of highly desirable members of the appropriate gender in several major metropolitan areas”.  Google cautions against trying to manipulate the MateRank system.  “Our massive computer is beneath several hundred feet of solid granite in an undisclosed mountain range and our programmers went to Stanford… so don’t mess with us,” responded Mr. Wryte.  “If you really are a 4, no amount of optimization is going to get you hooked up with someone with a MateRank of 6.”

Google is offering their own services to improve the chances of mating, particular for people who have computer skills to make lots of money, but who sadly lack the social skills to attract a mate without help.  “We have been watching the advertising strategy of some casinos with respect to paying winsome people to tattoo ads on their bodies, “ said Director of Fleshly Marketing, Derma Luzt.  “That inspired our ‘AdCurves’ service.  This allows procreationally-disadvantaged individuals to purchase temporary tattoos displayed on the body parts of attractive models who mingle in bars, restaurants, gyms, and flea markets.  For example, AdCurves Tattoo #24 is strategically placed… well… we won’t go into detail because the DNJournal is a family publication… but it is strategically placed on an attractive model and says ‘I’m not available, but [your name and number here] is not so bad.’  You would be surprised how much referral traffic these links bring in!  Three of our systems analysts and programmers have already found mates using AdCurves…  and you know how unlikely it would be for them to find a mate without considerable help.”

Google will also adapt their MateRank system for mobile applications with the roll-out of  wireless MRS (MateRank Specs) that display MateRank in the field of vision in real time.  “These glasses are, like, sooooo cool!!!,” exclaimed a teen at the Northdale Mall, “The display shows that guy over there in the blue shirt is – omigosh! – a total 8!  I would have just put him at a 4 or 5 at the most.  MateRank is sooooo sweet!”

The market responded favorably to Google’s new announcement, adding $54.20 to their stock.  “This move makes sense,” commented MagmaBank Securities Analyst VP Baton Swytch, “Information...  Communication…  Procreation… They all end in ‘tion’.  Great synergy.”

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*Note: In case you haven't guessed, this is a parody. Google is a trademark of Google, Inc.

For our latest “Dear Domey” column, we have obtained and reprint here a transcript of a ground-breaking interview by Internet Consumer Magazine with the CEO of Debitall.

Debitall CEO Unveils Next Generation Internet Commerce Platform

Internet Consumer: Exclusive Interview: Mpls (MN): Aug. 1, 2005: [IC exclusive]:

IC:  Thank you, Max, for agreeing to this exclusive interview.  You have been CEO of Debitall for, how long, two years?

Max: Yes, just under two years.  We are very excited about the new directions in internet commerce and our innovative products at Debitall.  It is a great company and leadership team.

IC: What are some of the trends that you see happening in internet commerce and what are some of the products you have in your pipeline?

Max: Well, we see continued growth in internet based commerce.  Double digit for the next five years.  We also see new paradigms in connecting internet consumers to products and sales via the internet.  We feel that our Debitall v.5 breaks news ground in online marketing and commerce.

IC: How does it work?

Max: Current search engines such as Google, Yahoo, and MSN are great.  And the pay-per-click method of online advertising has really helped to get the ball rolling.  However, our research has shown that much greater growth in online commerce can be achieved by targeting some aspects of consumer behavior that are restraining sales.

IC: Can you be more specific?

Max: Well, our exact mechanisms are proprietary, but we have found that the voluntary aspect of consumer surfing and purchasing is the weak link in ecommerce.

IC: You mean, like, when consumers decide to click or buy something?

Max: Yes, exactly.  This places a lot of risk on the advertising or producer.  Consumers may or may not buy something.  Debitall v.5 reduces that risk and introduces a whole new level of internet commerce potential.

IC: Wow!  I can understand why your shares have increased 130% during the past month.

Max: We strive to meet customer needs and provide value for shareholders.  Anyway, Debitall v.5 reduces dependence on consumer search and volition by actively searching for things that consumers probably need, initiating purchases, and directly debiting the consumer’s account.

IC: What has been the reaction to this?

Max: Consumer’s love it!  Rather than spend time at work or home surfing the internet and deciding whether to buy something or not, Debitall v.5 runs constantly in the background and saves them time.  When they return home, there is all sorts of cool stuff that has been delivered to their door – most of which they will wonder how they ever lived without.  Advertisers, distributors and manufacturers love it because it reduces the uncertainty of marketing and increases sales. The economy gets a boost.  Nations to whom we have outsourced jobs get money.  World peace is furthered.  It’s a win-win situation for everyone.

IC: But what about paying the bills for all that stuff?

Max: Not a problem. The Debitall system ensures higher sales for firms where Debitall consumers work and automatically augments salaries in proportion to goods and services consumed.

IC: No one minds the loss of free will?

Max: Free will has been greatly over-rated.  In fact, many religions that feature an Omnipotent Being show it to be a bit of an illusion anyway.  Rather than cling to old-economy concepts like free will and consumer volition, the time has come to embrace the next generation of commerce – and we believe that Debitall v.5 is cutting edge technology.

IC: Sounds that way.  Thank you, Max, for joining us today.  I will have to check out Debitall.  It sounds very exciting.

Max: Oh, it is, and I thank you… Debitall has already been uploaded to your system during this interview.  Enjoy your piano and jet ski.  You’ll wonder how you ever got along without them.

[Disclaimer: This is made up… for now anyway.]

In this column, we bring exclusive breaking news about “Domainer John.” As you may recall, John was featured previously in our wild and garmentuous cartoons! We received so many inquiries about him from eligible young domainerettes (evidently domain expertise greatly increases one’s appeal) that we hired a special agent from the Office of Domainland Security to track him. We even tapped his cellphone. The following is our exclusive transcription of a revealing conversation that we recorded just last week – revealed here for your reading pleasure:

[deeeldeeeldee..deeeeldeeeelde.. click]

JOHN: Hello?

VOICE: Are you John? The guy sitting on the land at 310 Cedar Lane… up on the shore of Cedar Lake? I looked you up on the land registration records.

JOHN: Ahh... Yes. I own that land. Who are you?

REG: My name’s Reg. I bought a mobile home on a lot across the road from that land. I need that land for a path to take my trailer from my mobile home to the lakeshore. That piece of land is right in my way. Are you using it?

JOHN: I plan to build a retirement home there some day.

REG: So you ain’t using it now, are you? That’s what I figured. I’ll pay you $1,500 cash for it… right now!

JOHN: $1,500? Is that a joke? The market value of lakefront property on Cedar Lake is over $80,000 per acre. That land is 2.5 acres of prime lakefront property!

REG: [agitated] Look, man, what’s your problem? You ain’t using that land and I need it for my trailer path. You shouldn’t even own land it you ain’t gonna use it. It’s unAmerican!

JOHN: The right of individuals to own property is unAmerican??

REG: Yeah, private ownership of property is for Commies.

JOHN: Ah, Reg… I think you have your definitions switched around.

REG: Well… I’m not gonna waste my time arguing with a Commie like you. I’ll pay you $1,500 for that land.

JOHN: Look, Reg, the market value of that land is at least $200,000. It makes no difference whether I am going to use it now, later or never.

REG: [voice rises]: What?! [*snort*] 200 grand! I looked up the registration records for that land. You only paid $1,000 for it! Take $1,500 from me and you have $500 profit -- for doing nothin’!

JOHN: That was how much my dad paid for that property back in 1958 when the lake was completely undeveloped. He was smart enough to get in early and he passed it on to me. What we paid for it way back then has little to do with what it is worth now.

REG: [*growls*] I’ve read about people like you. You are one of those “cedarsquatter” dirt bags, aren’t you? You scum bought land up on here on Cedar Lake before decent people like me moved there and now you are just sitting on it. How would you like to see your little scam in the “Cedar Lake News”? What would your family and neighbors think of that, huh? Unless you want trouble… you better take my $1,500 offer. That is $500 cash profit for doing nothin’.

JOHN: Reg, Do you have a family?

REG: Nah. Just me and my huntin’ dogs – Surly and Grouchy.

JOHN: You dating anyone?

REG: [pause] Hunh? No… but what has that got to do with anything?

JOHN: Well... my brother is an organ transplant surgeon at Cedar Lake Medical Center. Since you are not dating anyone, then you probably have some organs that you are not using and could donate to the Center -- so that people who need them could put them to good use. It isn’t right for you to just sit on them if you are not using them.

REG: Whaa….!? Are you crazy!?

JOHN: Crazy? This is an opportunity for you, Reg. You are not using all your body parts, right? You got them for free from your parents, right? I bet the medical center would be willing to pay you a modest “donor fee” for any idle organs. You can make a nice profit for doing nuthin!

REG: No way! I might use them some day.

JOHN: My thoughts exactly. Have a good day, Mr. Reg. And give my regards to Surly and Grouchy.

[click.]

The results are in! You have chosen the Top Ten Ways To Know Your Domain Stinks by sending us your favorites from the original list of 37 compiled by DomeBase. As promised, three lucky voters, drawn at random, will receive a spiffy new Dear Domey cartoon T-Shirt of your choice from qShirts.com. Congratulations go to the winners whose entries were signed DotBIZ, Jonathan & Robin Freeman! 

Now without further ado, we proudly present (so proudly that we use a pseudonym on this column so no one will know who is really responsible) The Top Ten Ways To Know Your Domain Stinks, as selected by Dear Domey readers at DNJournal.com (presented in reverse order of popularity so we can accuse David Letterman of copying from us!):

A BIG thank you to all who helped choose the Top Ten by sending in your votes! If these tickled your funny bone you might like to revisit the original contest article below that includes all 37 original ways to know your domain stinks!

*    *    *

Now...inspired by a thread by RobertF at DomainState, Cosmo's cover page lists, and late night TV... Dear Domey discloses the definitive domain diagnostic diorama -- "You Know That Your Domain Stinks When..."!  Just how bad is your domain?  There's only one way to tell for sure!  Read the following numbered ways to tell if your domain stinks and if the URL fits, wear it!  Some of them were contributed by forum members whose handles are shown in parentheses. They are listed in alphabetical order. 

As they say on TV... "And that's not all!"  Pick your five favorite lines and send their numbers in an e-mail to [email protected].  DN Journal will tally the votes and publish the lines that get the most votes in the ground-breaking "Top 10 Ways to Know that Your Domain Stinks!"  Hey, maybe Cosmo will feature it on their cover?  Maybe David Letterman will read it on his show?  Maybe GoDaddy will feature it in a Super Bowl commercial?  And then again...maybe not! But in any case it will be fun and potentially rewarding to YOU! 

DN Journal will select three lucky e-mail voters in a random drawing and each will get to pick out the Dear Domey cartoon of their choice at qShirts.com and will get that cartoon on a Free T-Shirt (as long as we can get a package to them by UPS or elephant)!  Don't get greedy and send in more than one vote (especially if you live in a blue, red, or slightly avocado state); we reserve the right to drop multiple votes if there is evidence that they come from the same source. (Contest now closed). Dome-ocracy for all! Vote today! Read 'em and Weep!   

You Know That Your Domain Stinks When...

1) ...a Vice Presidential candidate mentions your domain by mistake during a debate and you still only get 12 hits.  

2) ...after you register the domain, all spam to your e-mail stops due to professional courtesy. 

3) ...as you bid for an expiring domain, a shill bidder colludes with your registrar to artificially inflate the price, but only offers half what you are bidding. 

4) ...even Dr. Kevorkian refuses to help you accelerate it's delete date. (CrankyOldMan) 

5) ...Google shows that it means something in the language of an obscure tribe, but there is no translation.  A month after registering it, you begin receiving daily, soggy, foul-smelling, boat-shipped packages marked with pictures of some type of sloth. 

6) ...NameScout transfers it away the same day of your request, no questions asked. (doughmein) 

7) ...Network Solutions offers you $9.99 if you promise to let your domain expire and not register it again for the next 100 years. 

8) ...not only do domain discussion forums ban you, but they rig your keyboard with a taser activated by attempted access to any registrar web page. 

9) ...people who type in your domain are found to have a 36% higher incidence of tunnel carpal syndrome. 

10) ...SEDO starts billing you for page views. (The Columbian) 

11) ...someone hacks into your computer and takes control of your domains.  After two days, they spontaneously return control to you and transfer $500 to your Paypal account with a note of sympathy. 

12) ...someone offers you $200 for your domain.  However, they cancel their offer when they discover that what looks like the letter "O" in the middle of the word really is the letter "O" and not the number zero. 

13) ...the domain infringes on a trademark.  You get a letter of thanks from their lawyer for "making more people aware of it." 

14) ...the Googlebot refuses to visit your site as a matter of principle. 

15) ...the one click you got last month was just you making sure the server wasn't down. (subg) 

16) ...the only way you can get people to click on your sales thread is to label it "!!!LOOK AT THIS!!!" with ten sets of ornamental squiggles on either side. 

17) ...users require extra keyboard keys to type it. 

18) ...you create sites at the .NET, .ORG, .INFO, .BIZ and .COOP version of your domain, but no one registers the .COM. 

19) ...you enter the forum chat room and six people offer you domains ranging from $500 to $3,000.  The domains are all unregistered. 

20) ...you figure that if domains with the prefixes "e", "1", "www," or "best" are good, that domains with all four are even better. 

21) ...you get an exclusive invitation to the "LACKOFTRAFFIC" Domain Conference held in Bemidgi during February. 

22) ...you go to pay to register the domain and get a screen that says "Are You Sure (Yes/No)?"  You click "Yes."  The same screen appears again. 

23) ...you leave your computer to get a snack and your cat swats a fly on your keyboard. The domain registered as a result gets more traffic than yours.

24) ...you make a promotional post about your domain in a forum "News" section and absolutely no one complains that it should be moved to "Promotions and Advertising." 

25) ...you park your domain.  It gets booted and towed. 

26) ...you post a thread about the name in a forum and not even Goh comes up with a link providing any information about what it may mean.  

27) ...you put it up for appraisal and your thread only gets 6 views ...in which 5 of those are yours... (Chad) 

28) ...you say the domain out loud and your dog starts howling uncontrollably. 

29) ...you try pronouncing the domain at a dorm party.  An  international exchange student shrieks and throws their drink in your face. 

30) ...you try to sell it using a reverse auction and it does not sell until it reaches -$45. 

31) ...you try to register it at Network Solutions, but they say they can not take your money in good conscience. 

32) ...your domain can only be accessed by people with "special software" on their computer and the "special software" can only be downloaded by people with access to your domain. 

33) ...your domain is listed in Google with a link "Don't Bother Translating." 

34) ...your domain is promoted on eBay as "unique." 

35) ...your full-service registrar does not bother sending you any e-mails when the domain is expiring. 

36) ...your registrar gives you "free registrar privacy service" so that the WHOIS does not identify the registrar for the domain. 

37) ...the DROA drops you from their mailing list. 

*    *    * 

Last time out Domey plowed new ground with his first series of original domain name cartoon creations. His foray into uncharted waters was an unqualified success. One company even licensed those cartoons (now residing in the Dear Domey archive) for a limited run of T-shirts. Domey's latest efforts on display below are also available from another T-Shirt vendor, Qshirts.com so you can look good while you laugh!

Domey has pushed the envelope of media horizons once again! This time out he takes a detour from his familiar Q & A format to present some original domain name cartoon creations. Some of these feature our domainer hero "John" - as he deals with obscure drop-catching registrars and combines domains with hot romance. Others are more..."out there"... but all should bring a smile. If these tickle your fancy you can
a) press charges or 
b) click on the images for information on how to order the design on a tres cool T-shirt  of your very own! 

For this edition of “Dear Domey” instead of the regular letter and response format, we bring you a *special live TV* edition of “Dear Domey”!! Today’s topic -- “Dude, Who Stole My Store?” -- with our host Domey and special guest Regis X Piring.

Reg: “That’s what you think, man. Wait till you see the headlines in tomorrow's newspaper!” 

Had enough yet? If not, continue on to Page 2 of the Dear Domey Archive where the hilarity continues....