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Editor's Note:
News that ICANN might approve new .org, .info
and .biz contracts that would allow those registries to
charge any price they wanted for domain registrations
and renewals, including different prices for different
domains, set off alarm bells among Internet users all over
the world. While domain registrants waited to see if their
objections to the contracts would be heeded, our own Domey was
busy viewing the situation through the twisted...uh,
we mean..."unique" prism he has become famous for.
When the wheels in his head stopped whirring, the result was a
new two-act play. The moral of this story (as near as we can
tell) is to be careful what you wish for because you just
might get it!
"Sam’s
Hardware Store "
(a short play in two
acts)
(Disclosure: any similarity between this
play and actual events is too disturbing to even
consider.)
Act I:
Scene:
(outside store) Sign above storefront says “Sam’s
Hardware” in bright red and blue letters. A black
sedan pulls up in front of the store. A man with a
gray hat exits the car, tosses a cigar in the gutter, and
saunters into the door of the shop. (switch scene to
inside store): Man with hat enters.
Sam:
(moves from counter toward man entering store): “Good
morning, sir, may I help you?”
Man with Hat:
“Are you Sam?”
Sam: “Why
yes. (extends hand) And you are?”
Man with Hat:
(turns away from Sam without shaking hand and looks towards the
shelves) “The name is Regis. I am the City
Director of Streets.”
Sam:
“Good to meet you Regis.
Are you here about the potholes in the street outside? They have
gotten really big. Some of my customers have complained.”
Regis (Man with
Hat): (Looks hard at Sam): “No, Sam… I am not
here about potholes. I am here about your business. How is
business, Sam? I have been watching your traffic… we have
stats for that… and have seen lots of customers coming and
going. Is business good?”
Sam: “Why
yes. Business has been good. Me and the wife have put in 60
hours a week. Just finished the new expansion. New parking lot.
It’s been a lot of work, but its been worth it. Business is
good.”
Regis:
“Good… good… I thought so. That’s what the traffic stats
said. I’ll be frank with you Sam. I would like to see your
business continue to be healthy. I mean, it would be good
for all of us for your business to continue to be healthy.
You know what I mean?”
Sam:
“Ahhh… sure, yeah. I guess. I guess the City has to get
taxes to maintain the roads.” (nervous laugh)
Regis:
(does not smile) “Yeah --- that’s the idea, Sam. You see,
the City has expenses. Lots of expenses. Not just pot hole
expenses, but meetings, salaries, benefits. Lots of benefits.
The City needs more money, Sam. Money from people whose
businesses are doing well, Sam. People whose customers use our
streets. That’s why I am here.”
Sam:
(pauses and looks hard at Regis): “What are you saying Regis?
Are taxes going up?”
Regis:
(Looks around the store): “Welllll….. yes and no, Sam. They
are going up for some people. Like you, for instance. Your
customers use our streets, right? I mean, your business would
not be so healthy if, for some reason, your customers were not
able to use City streets? Right?”
Sam:
“Hunh? Why would that happen? They are City streets.
Don’t you operate them for the benefit of the general public?
What are you saying?”
Regis:
“I’m saying that it is important that you be a good citizen
and pay your fair share of City expenses so that we can make
sure that your customers will be able to use the streets to get
to your store. It would be a shame if we closed the street to
your store or sold the rights to the street to someone else.
Nobody wants that… now do they?”
Sam:
“What?! Are you saying that you might close the street to my
store?”
Regis:
(waves hands): “Now calm down, Sam. There’s no need to get
upset. We are just talking about a little differential
pricing here. Paying your fair share. Our traffic stats show
that you are getting a lot of traffic through our streets.
Surely you can’t blame us for asking you to chip in a little
more for City expenses.”
Sam:
“How much more?”
Regis:
“How much is street access worth to you?”
Sam:
“My business would be dead without street access. You know
that.”
Regis:
“Yeah. That’s the point, ain’t it. You need us. We need
you. We can work this out so nobody gets hurt. The City traffic
and tax records show that you make around 50 grand a year. We
figure, hey, you can afford to pay us… 30 grand a year to make
sure that your customers can use the street.”
Sam: “$30,000!?
That’s highway robbery! Does the City Council know about what
you are doing!?”
Regis:
“Now calm down, Sam. Yeah. The Council knows. They approved
it. We in the Street Department and the Council are reeeaaaal
close, you know. We don’t just fill pot holes, ya
know.” (low, throaty chuckle.)
Sam:
(pauses) “So I have no choice? I guess we will have to cut
back on food and move to a cheaper apartment.”
Regis:
“That’s the spirit. Cooperation. See. Everybody wins.”
Sam:
(pauses again): “I guess I could try to work even more next
year to grow the business more so that we can afford the
$30,000. It will be a nightmare, but I can try.”
Regis:
“Yeah… Yeah… that would be great, Sammy. You go ahead and
make more money next year and I’ll be back to talk to you
then. Out expenses are going up, you know. We’ll be watching
your traffic. With any luck, maybe we will be able to keep your
customers safe on our streets next year for $40,000 or
$50,000. We’ll see. Well. See you later, Sam. It’s been a
pleasure talking with ya.”
(Curtains close)
Act
II: (a year later)
Scene:
City Council meeting. Regis is attending. Several
Council members are frowning and there is tension in the air.
Council Member #1:
“Gentlemen, this is a disaster! 64% of the
businesses in our fair city have left. Many of our streets are
lined with vacant, boarded-up buildings. There are huge,
unfilled pot holes in the streets. Our tax revenues have
dropped 74%. What is going on and how can we stop it?!”
Council Member #2:
“You folks remember Sam’s Hardware? It closed
last Spring. I talked with Sam. Nice guy. He
told me that he and his wife could not afford the outrageous fee
that our Director of Streets, Mr. Tree here, demanded of
him. He told me that he moved his business from our city
to a new extension in CCtldville. He…”
Council Member #3:
(interrupts Council Member #2 and shouts): “No! Do not
mention CCtldville again in this assembly! I am
tired of hearing about CCtldville. Every time I turn
around I hear of some other business or person moving to
CCtldville. I even hear people say that our city
should be run by the United Municipalities! They are a
threat to City Security!”
Council Member #1:
(pounds gavel): “Order! Order! Mr. Tree, as
Director of City Streets, do you have any explanation for
this?”
Regis:
“Those business guys are lazy bums! How was I to know
they would close down their shops or move to CCtldville?”
Council Member #3:
“Arggg! No mention of CCtldville!!”
Council Member #1:
“Order! Order!”
Regis:
“Well. Look on the bright side.”
Council Member #1:
“Our City has become a ghost town. What possible
bright side could there be, Mr. Tree?”
Regis: “Well. Now
you ain’t gotta fix the pot holes.”
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